It's been awhile since I added to the family blog, and I think that it's only fitting that I do so now that we're expecting.
This pregnancy is something for which we have prayed very earnestly. I am aware that there are many people out there, very possibly reading this blog, that went through longer, harder, and more soul-wrenching trials in order to have their children than we did. I am also aware of those that are still struggling towards this goal. Sincerely and deeply, I'm sorry. Katie and I went through something this summer that we never thought possible and are only now really beginning to recover from. I can't imagine what it would be like to do it again.
It's interesting how the Lord teaches us. Over the course of the past couple of months, Katie and I have been humbled and tutored from on high. I shudder to think that I could say that I am grateful for these past couple of months (since May), but I am. I would never want to live
through them again, but they have made us much stronger and the trials through which we have passed have drawn us much closer. Though we may not have enjoyed this past summer quite like we had imagined, our lives are better for it. Elder Paul V. Johnson shared something that comforted us through our trial:
Recently a nine-year-old boy was diagnosed with a rare bone cancer. The doctor explained the diagnosis and the treatment, which included months of chemotherapy and major surgery. He said it would be a very difficult time for the boy and his family but then added, “People ask me, ‘Will I be the same after this is over?’ I tell them, ‘No, you won’t be the same. You will be so much stronger. You will be awesome!’”
The trials through which Katie and I have passed together have made us better. Hindsight has taught me that. These tests have made me fall even more in love with her; she truly is the woman of my dreams. More so now than ever, and more tomorrow than today. I don't think that I was out of touch with reality at the beginning of this summer, but I do know that now I am more "in touch" than I have ever been.
I believe the most valuable piece of experience that we gained from our trials was knowledge; knowledge of our Savior and of His love for us. The pain and anguish that resulted from the miscarriage were deeper, more intense, and excruciatingly more real than I ever could have possibly imagined. We never realized how much we wanted to be parents until we lost it. It frightens me to think that this might have just been the beginning of trials that Katie and I face together, but I know that everything has its purpose. Though in the grand, eternal scheme of the gospel this trial will represent a small blip on the radar, at this time it is for us our first, humbling step towards Calvary. We will not ever reach the level of unimaginable suffering and pain through which our Lord and Savior passed; however, I do know that our trials in this life are meant to bring us one step closer to the summit. The purpose is not simply to suffer, but to learn. I learned that we are many times much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. I learned that all those times when I have been fiercely loyal to my wife (and she to me) paid off when it mattered most. Most of all, however, I have learned that the atonement is something that I will never truly understand in this life. However, I know that it is real, and that Christ did do it for us. I cannot fathom to what depths He must have descended in order to feel what we felt, yet infinitely more. I have simply learned to trust in Him. This trust has yet to fail me.
When I wrote my mission president about what had happened, he responded with a scripture that has spoken peace to my soul on more than one occasion:
For verily I say unto you, blessed is he that akeepeth my commandments, whether in life or in bdeath; and he that iscfaithful in dtribulation, the ereward of the same is greater in the kingdom of heaven.
3 Ye cannot behold with your natural aeyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the bglory which shall follow after much tribulation.
4 For after much atribulation come the bblessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be ccrowned with much dglory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand.
5 Remember this, which I tell you before, that you may alay it to heart, and receive that which is to follow.
I'm still not 100% sure why I needed to post this blog, but I felt that I did.
I know that Jesus Christ lives. There is no place for doubt even in the hidden corners of my soul that He did die for us. I know that Heavenly Father loves us more than we can understand. They are there for us constantly, and I know that Their arms of mercy are constantly extended towards us. I am grateful for the things that have happened to us. Most of all, I'm grateful for Katie. I love her. If you don't know her, take my word for it.
I am grateful for this summer because it taught us invaluable lessons on how to deal with hardship. Katie and I have learned to roll with the punches, as many of you have, and life has never been better. Ever.
